He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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