Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
