ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
