Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
