Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
