he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
