I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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