Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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