my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
