i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
