lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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