It's like God shit irony all over that family
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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