I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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