I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We have started to decorate penises.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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