sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
40s are totally the cure
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
