apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
