you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
