just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The police scanner is talking about you again....
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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