I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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