I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
