Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
