forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
