as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
