There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
