Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
