this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
