If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
How naked do you want me to be?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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