he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
