I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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