Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
