she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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