dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
