I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
