there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
