I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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