I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
