It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
