i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
