I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
