Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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