So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
