burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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