Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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