TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
