is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
