I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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