we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Drunk is not a location!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
