You made me cry and you don't even care
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
