she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
