I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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