After last night, I could never be a politician.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
